March 30, 2007
Crap, crap & more crap
Doesn't seem right that this place is selling this.
March 29, 2007
Harry Carey impersonation in the Army
So, although there are about 800 reasons why Chad should not be in the Army, it would be funny to see him pull a stunt like this:
March 28, 2007
Peanut Butter
The site's empty again, so here's something. Remember that video from a while back with Kurt Cameron and that Ray Comfort fellow about bananas being proof of God's existence, well, here's a page that found another one almost as good that uses Peanut Butter.
March 22, 2007
To Catch *the* Predator
So that Chris Hansen guy was on The Daily Show last night talking about his "To Catch a Predator" show. After listening to his awful voice, it made me think of this funny video:
March 20, 2007
How much?
How much would you have to be paid in order not to have a TV for, say, a year? Or how much would you have to be paid in order not to watch TV for a year? No MD games, no cartoons, no Lost, American Idol, Grey's Anatomy or whatever it is you kids watch these days. I'm not even sure what I'd say. Maybe 20K? And yet all those people do it willingly.
March 19, 2007
Christ
You know, I get these emails from my father containing redneck jokes. Which is ironic in its own way because, hello, they vote for the same people he does. And if he stopped to think about it, he'd realize it. Then again, half of my family is from West Virginia. Its after 9 pm and I'm back at work after having 3 tall glasses of vodka and ginger ale. So who's the stupid one now? Don't answer that. Anyway, I see those redneck jokes, and I think to myself, "Come on, no one is that stupid." And, god dammit, my father just sent me the same one twice. So, no one can be as dumb as those redneck jokes. And then I get these documents in work that are in "chronological order." Which apparently, to them, means that they were all printed on the same color paper. Not even the same year. The same year! That number at the end. It's the year! With few exceptions, they have to be the same. You know, the year. That night when you see freeking stroke addled Dick Clark giving himself another stroke trying to count backwards from ten and you get to fuck your sister again, but you get to pretend it was a "special occasion." And not "incest." And Ryan Seacrest stands there and thinks to himself, "I can't even usurp the job of American Bandstand's Stephen Hawking." That night means the year changes. It's different. You don't put all the freeking sixes together, alright? June comes every year. Unless your sister is named June, then June never comes, you hillbilly. Find the clit. Yeah I need a map and a flashlight, so what? Anyway, I guess what I wanted to say is that I love my Dad. And may he never read this.
March 14, 2007
This is why...
I couldn't resist putting this up. Helps if you know the song by M.I.M.S.
Didn't mean to bump your post, Rick...
March 13, 2007
I use the word 'awesome' too much, but...
I think this birthday present from Judy speaks for itself:
Yeah, I'm getting Heelys. This is after seeing my stepmom's grand kids fly around my dad's house, and managing, somehow, not to get traumatic head injuries. It really amazed me that a wall, or a human being, seemed to be perfectly acceptable tools to slow one's decent before smashing onto the ground. Clearly, I need some of these.
Other presents, which are also very cool:
- Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz - If you don't know (which you don't), it's a Wii game. Oddly enough, not the weirdest one I own.
- Borat DVD Niiiice. Who needs more of me saying that all the time? Apparently Judy.
- A Mini - Okay, this one was my own purchase. It matches the Heelys, too. Basically, Carmax really screwed up and managed to offer me more than my car was worth (more than I even paid for it). So I had 7 days to unload it, and there was a car in VA that's pretty much identical to the one I had before - except it hasn't ran into a wall anytime recently. So, yeah. Good times.
March 12, 2007
Bracketologisticize With Me Here
The bracket is out. I think it's safe to say a few things:
- a 4 seed was unexpectedly high, after the first-round pants pooping in the ACC tourney.
- we better beat a team named after Jeeves, a stuffy British manservant, after rolling over one half of America's legendary motorcycle craftsmen.
- Let's go Virgina Commonwealth, let's go. V-C-U. V-C-U.
- I don't know who this Roberts chick is in the East, but I wanna meet her.
- How did Buffalo get to host games from both the West and the Midwest? Something something "wide right" something "freezing" something "hot wings."
- I'm amazed at the progress video games have made crossing over into college basketball. Not only do Utah's favorite polygamists have to go against the leader of all the mutants (well, the good ones anyway), but the Hoyas should make it to the second round relatively unscathed, as their opponent has never been known to hurt dogs. Just vampires.
- Without looking it up, someone not named "John Albers" tell me what conference Texas A&M Corpus-Christi won for their autobid. Give up? Their bid was a doorprize at the 2006 South Central Texas Jesus, Barbecue, and Shit-Kicking Conference held at the TA&MCC fieldhouse in January. They don't actually have a basketball team, but didn't want to hurt the feelings of the prize committee, so they grabbed the six tallest kids they could find and sent 'em up to Chicago. They were warned not to come back carpetbaggers, under penalty of "we'll done show you what's what when you be tryin' it, boy," and each player was branded with the image of W sodomizing Barack Hussein Bin-Laden Osama, Texas' new state logo, for easy identification, before being put on the cattle train north.
These and other perfectly cromulent analyses--common sense, really--can be found in my new book, "240 pages of your life you'll never get back again."
I leave you know with some reader questions:
Q: Chris, who should I bet on in the West bracket?
A: Go with Illinois, because don't go dreaming about Gonzaga when it's clearly brie time, baby. And the Jayhawks should roll - and my Gordian Knot lock of the week is: they'll face the Wildcats in the second round. Mark it down now, boys.
Q: What about a big upset? Like a 12 over a 5?
A: In any match between a nancy-boy college like "Butler" and something that sounds like cheap hooch, aka "Old Dominion Smooth Drinkin' Rye," always go with the hooch school. A continuance of this explains why the drug-addled, hooker-lovin' squad from Nevada is sure to pass by a bunch of frock-wearing fruitcups from "Creighton." Wasn't the guy that raped Betsy Ross named Creighton? My point exactly.
Q: What are you even talking about? When was the last time you were sober?
A: Shut up, that's when. You don't know me.
Q: I assume you'll be traveling to Sacramento to cover the tourney. Which games are you looking forward to the most?
A: Why travel to Sacramento when I save on gas and just stab myself in the eye with a screwdriver in the comfort of my own home? I mean, have you ever been to Sacramento? There's a reason that place is called "Sac Town," believe me.
Q: Be bold, Chris, who do you have in the Final Four?
A: Going on record here: Maryland, in the Midwest, of course. Butch Davis' Tarheels look strong, so they get the East slot, my third pick is that adorable little Sanjaya Malakar kid, and rounding out the Final Four will be the Baltimore Ravens' defense, eager to prove they're not missing Adalius Thomas.
Q: I think I've had about enough of this.
A: Please don't go.
March 10, 2007
Porn the Turtle
The site was blank, again, so here's a picture I took today. It's two turtles doing it.
March 05, 2007
Begin ovulation in 3 . . . 2 . .
I am sure you guys hate this, but Crissy's son Brandon is back for more cash in the semi-finals. Actually, back for some cash. Anyway, I think posting it here helped last time, so I'm doing it again. It's Branden [sic] I think, from Kensington, and he should be one of the first 10 or 15 photos. And please pass this along to anyone willing to help. Thanks.
March 02, 2007
Yet again, blank site
Yes, this is from a sex advice column, and yes this is written by a woman. But I read this and I thought most of us were too into fulfilling our roles as asshats to be as pleasant as the guys described here. Though its not like many of us were doing all that much dating in college. Is that a chess set?