Terrapin Tables

I knew this would happen

Like 6 or so years ago, when being militant seemed worthwhile, I was all, "If this Bush dude gets elected, we're going to go to war, industry will ruin everything for everyone, and the Supreme Court will become a conservative taskforce." Now, this from the BBC:

Judge Alito, 55, replaces Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who often held the swing vote on key issues.

Now, this, from me:

FUCK.

To relieve my brain strain, I've been trying to think of the worst joke someone could make...and I have found it. Ahem:

Is the caviar in a precarious position? Because I believe Roe is about to be overturned.

I am a demigod of wit. Except, not.

ScienceBlogs

Wow. I haven't seen the website empty in a while. Well, to put something on here...

There's a new blog website out there called ScienceBlogs, run by the same people that publish Seed magazine. They've gotten several of the prominent science bloggers to move over to their server. The one I read the most is Pharyngula, who just re-posted a very good entry from his old blog, The proper reverence due those who have gone before, which, in his words, explains "why I despise creationists of all stripes."

Cavalcade of Crap

Sort of like Memento. Or my Sunday mornings.

I hate the Steelers. This is still funny. Obey.

Candy review via the scenic route.

You and your student loan.

Best Top Gun trailer ever.

Ridiculously long, but interesting. A woman dresses up to "pass" as a man. And learn something about our crappy culture I suppose. Probably more generous towards men than it should be.

Stewie to host talk show.

Now you can simulate having a girlfriend without having to go to the trouble of getting laid.

Another way sex is good for you. In related news, I will continue to drink heavily and consume a diet that consists entirely of taco bell and gummy bears.

Do I even have a job anymore? I think it's pretty obvious that I don't.

Theology Quiz

Sort of. I guess. Anyway, I made a decent effort to answer all of these correctly and I only got 9 out of 20.

D'oh Terps

"Terps' leading scorer McCray lost for season"

Demotivators

Some of these are old news, but it is nice to see them all listed in one place. I feel that they are most appropriate when reading them at work. They are also pretty affecting and depressing when reading them at work. I will not be surprised if my dinner involves a bottle of whiskey and a shotgun.

The Love Calculator

I read on Fark about that 98-year-old idiot that left her entire $1.1M estate to the gummint to help pay down the national debt of $1.8T. I thought to myself, "that's less than .001 percent" but I'm not sure I'm right about that. So I went looking for an online calculator, googling "calculator." The first few hits were for loans, but the third or fourth was Love Calculator, which reports the percentages that certain relationships will work. I couldn't resist. So, here we go with the Terrapin Tables prognostications:

- Rick Nelson and Judy Irvine: 12%..."the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out." The Love Calculator pulls no punches.
- Roy Levy and Paige Burton: 62%..."keep working and talk things over."
- Nathan Powell and Pam Sowards: 97%. Fucking Hell, good news for Natalie.
- Chris McCreary and Whiskey: 28%..."You'll have to spend a lot of quality time together." Done and done, good sir.
- John Albers and Gummy Bears and Sloe Gin: 47%..."a relationship is very well possible, if the two of you really want it to, and are prepared to make some sacrifices for it." This seemed a gimme, but John needs to continue sacrificing - like AIMing out of work, waking up on couches, and making broad, vague statements about Joe Nedney (who will set much into motion if he makes this kick). I think he has the tenacity to make this work.
- Pat Shafer and Denise: 42%...maybe I should have figured out Denise's last name for those extra 40 or so points.
- Chad Fisher and Kristen Pali: 38%...and the same text John and I got. So, either Kristen is 80-proof or the Love Calculator is lazy.
- Fatboy and Irma: 31%, same text. Maybe she should follow the Steelers.
- Meg and Her Vibrator: 26%...I thought this would be a sure bet, but, everyone needs variety, and, in truth, one vibrator just isn't enough. Good catch LC: points for the Love Calculator.
- Mike O'Connell and Katie Jordan: 18%. The numbers just keep going down. Is Love Calulator having a bad morning and taking it out on us? I must get more scientific (yes, reading tea leaves or calling Rick a witch is more scientific than this, but bear with me).

So, disappointed that only two pairs in our whole group even rated above 50%, I threw some big lazy changeups right down the center of the plate:

- Chris McCreary and Chef Boyardee: 85%. Maybe it is paying attention, after all.
- Chris McCreary and Young Girls: 56%. Nicely done Love Calculator.
- John Albers and Tony Kornheiser: 89%. Spot on, Love Calculator.
- Mike O'Connell and Tom Clancy: 64%. Indeed. I should mention, every pair I tried I put on this list...full disclosure. I'm not hiding any "bad" results.

So now I'm worried. It seems at first that the LC just tosses out bad numbers. But, when given control pairings like me and canned pasta, or John and Mr. tony, things are spot on. So, I guess everyone but Nate/Pam and Roy/Paige can expect to break up with their significant other in the near future, or endure years of struggling, Dr. Phil visits, infidelity, and secret longing for any breath of fresh air. The interweb told me so. Enjoy your weekends filled with nervous sidelong glances and self-doubt, friends of mine, as you contemplate a future alone, based on the wisdom of Love Calculator creators Matthijs Sypkens Smit and Thijs Kinkhorst. Their site is like Smuckers: with names like that, they have to be good.

Movie Night

The Cracker Barrel watched the Transporter 2 last night. It was one of the worst 5 movies I have ever seen. Mind you, I have seen Showgirls, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, parts of Grease, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Night at the Roxbury, Bones, the Bare Wench Project (maybe Chad will comment on that one. So bad it changed my life I believe), and I own Belly & The Ladies Man. It was just awful.

Pirates 'n porn

This is just awesome. A group of actors wanted to use the HSM Bounty, a ship sitting off the coast in Tampa, to shoot a film about pirates.

Turns out the film is a pornographic mold-buster, with a budget of over $1 million, and special effects such as an army of thousands of CGI skeletons.

I'll be sure to Netflix this some time...

Germans Love David Hasselhoff

And now I know why.

What's that you call it?

A real what? Oh a real job. At long last, I'm happy to announce that I've accepted a position at Arizona State University in the Measurement, Statististics, & Methodological Studies Program. Check the link above for more information on the program and the people there. Of course, the real pertinent information may be found here and here. I'm thrilled to say that Paige and I will be moving in the summer, leaving behind snow shovels, ice scrapers, and the like.

I'm from Catonsville, and everyone beats me.

UMBC is stinking it up so bad, coach Monroe isn't letting them:

- wear school colors off the court,
- use the locker room,
- hang out in front of Dining Halls on electric scooters to pick up freshmen white girls, while I walk by wishing I knew a way to pick up freshmen white girls.

Wait, that last one only happens at UMD...but still, UMBC bites it.

I get jokes

Blonde joke.

This may be old . . .

. . . but I think you should watch it now!

Search Engines

You ever google something, and the hits are those keyword sites that just list millions of phrases, trying to get idiots to click so they can load up the spyware and make some banner-ad money? Well, I'm trying to find an article from Hot Rod Magazine from the early '50s, coverage of a car show at the DC Armory. So I googled ["Hot Rod Magazine" DC Armory], and 8 of the top 10 hits were those sites. But, the next phrase on site #9's list: "hot gay tradesman porn." Though Gay Tradesman might be a cool band name, what the hell is Tradesman Porn? Cable guys? Deisel mechanics? I wasn't sure so, naturally, I clicked on the site (making me, by my own reasoning, an idiot...of course, I openly confess to that - see the football post below). There was no porn, just text, thankfully, but the page's title answered all my questions: "Trwa ladwanie strony." Oh, now I got it, Thank you for the clarity, internet. I figured Google would have a way to weed this crap out by now.

Quiz About Nothing

Seinfeld quiz (with a sort of annoying ad). Anyway, I got 10 right, which is way better than I thought I'd do.

Random Thought of the Day # Eleventy Billion

How is there not a reality show for strippers, like American Idol? People would watch, you could have judges, like Charlie Sheen or Dennis Rodman and then a couple cute chickies or something. People could vote, just like the other shows. It could be like the Stripper's Poll or something (groan).
All this came about as a discussion about how I could make more money. So feel free to discuss how much of my income I should devote to seeking mental help.

Good Luck, Buddy

"Prove Christ exists, judge orders priest." I'm not going to proclaim whether or not he exists, but I wouldn't want to be the guy that had to prove that he did.

Cultural Awareness

I like to learn new things about different cultures than mine. Mine, for example, revolves around homosexuality and heroin (yay Netherlands), so you can see why I like to branch out a bit.

For example, I knew of the East Asian history of body modification - foot binding, tying boards to children's head's to make a nice, flat skull - and thought it was a beautiful expression of culture-over-genetics. I never knew, however, that this practice extended to kittens. It's a truly moving experience to learn new things!

Plus, it's fucking hilarious...

Everything old...

...is awesome again. Go here and check out what John Woo is up to.

That's right bitches, He-Man and Metroid movies. Awesome. Awesome.

Moving on . . .

"Fifty terrapin statues will soon appear on the streets of Washington and its suburbs in honor of the 150th anniversary of the founding of the University of Maryland."

China Sucks

Fuck China. Bastards.