Terrapin Tables

Know When to Hold 'Em...

...and know when to whoop some ass. Fossilman's not here to get rolled, bitch.

Just kidding...it's cool he didn't get robbed, but yelling for hotel security doesn't make you a "tough mark."

No more Briscoe :-(

For those of you who may watch Law & Order (it's kind of hard to miss these days), Jerry Orbach has died. I know he was Chris' favorite character, since he could name all the liquor stores within 5 miles of the Police Dept.

The Pressure, She Is Dropping

What presure is that? Why, the pressure on America's cultural barometer, of course. Isn't this tremendous writing? Anyway, I see Lycos has released it's list of top-100-searched-terms for the year 2004. Some notables:

1. Janet Jackson
2. Paris Hilton
3. Clay Aiken
4. Britney Spears
5. Nick Berg

9. Michelle Vieth
10. Poker

15. NFL
16. Iraq War
17. WWE

21. Hilary Duff
22. Halloween
23. Catherine Bosley
24. Playstation
25. Final Fantasy
26. Harry Potter
27. IRS
28. Jennifer Lopez
29. Baseball

37. Tara Reid
38. NASCAR
39. Usher

80. Prom Hairstyles
81. George W. Bush
82. Tupac Shakur

Okay, here we go. Janet Jackson at #1? Anyone that thinks her "revelation" was an accident is a moron, and her boob was still covered...you see more during a Girls Gone Wild commercial. But at least, for a while, Janet Jackson was a talented artist, in stark contrast to the rest of the top 5: some of the worst "entertainment" (I was going to put "music," but I couldn't bear to insult music like that, and even after I chose "entertainment," I still had to put quotes on it) that has ever existed, in any form, across the known and unknown universe. Seriously, Paris Hilton is the second most-searched entity in America? That silly, stupid, spoiled whore. My god.

You may have noticed a flaw in my attack on the top 5: Nick Berg is not by any means an entertainer. I assumed he was some boy band guy or actor: turns out he was abduted and killed in Iraq. So, in the top 5 searched figures, one entity, respectable at best, noteworthy at least, is found. Good job 'murrica.

Some chick named Michelle Vieth came in at 9: I've never heard of her, either, and she beat poker, so I had to give it a look. What I realized was both reassuring and a little disconcerting: I have no idea what's going on. Some Spanish language TV host gets in at nine? Where have I been? I mean, I don't feel sorry I missed it, but I still missed it...and she beat poker?!

Football beat out the war: which means more people know T.O. has a tweaked leg than realize Hussein and Osama didn't work together. That feels good. And that fact that Rasslin almost beat them both, well, makes me want to swallow Drano.

In the 20's there are more problems: what the hell is a Catherine Bosley? Nevermind, I Googled it, you don't want to know. And Final Fantasy is the first game on the map? Bullshit, not with the entire PC universe waiting for HalfLife 2 for 11 months out of the year, and Doom 3 for another large chunk of '04. Seriously, Diablo II made the list and nothing from Valve or iD did? Right. And, taxes beat MLB. Sounds about right: A 1040EZ is a lot more fun and takes a lot less time than your average baseball game. America's Game: The Quest for the Standard Deduction.

37-39? Kill me. Now.

The president - a figure that only a few years ago was the single most-protested-against person in world history - comes in below Prom hairstyles. Yeah. Who cares what happens to extra-poor people, we're only mildly-poor...so I better look purty for the dance. It's interesting that Bush and Tupac were right next to each other, because for the rich and white a Halliburton logo says the same thing as a "Thug Life" tattoo.

There is a large problem with assuming this list represents all of America: Lycos is not a terribly popular engine, and smart people use Google - I doubt "Evanescence" made Google's top 100, but it cracks in at 99 here. So maybe the list is a little off - but I wonder how many Spanish-langage figures would make Google's list.

And what is in last place? The final word on all that is wrong with communication, government, American ignorance, and the idea of truth: FOXnews. Craptacular.

So lift yr glass to '05 and pray to anything you've got that things might get better. Yeah, they won't. At least that Tupac/Halliburton line will make me rich when I sell it to Puffy for his new album.

Who says research is boring?

A few years ago, a colleague of mine at ETS told me that a lot of people in my field start out in education and psychology to build up their repetoire of skills and then move on to biostatistics and medical research because it pays much better. Well, you can imagine that being involved in this study might have other perks as well.

Blank

Looks like the website is blank. I'll do my best to fill it up with random things.

• Johnny Oates died this weekend. I, for one, thought the Orioles should never have fired him.
• Reggie White died from a heart attack. The former NFL sack leader was a beast. While not a big fan of his, he obviously touched his teammates as they all had something nice to say. Here is one of the pranks he pulled while with Carolina.
• A few of us have been reading this blog named Tard Blog. We are probably bad people for it.
• Circuit City has some stuff on sale, including an alcohol detector.
• I saw Bad Santa this weekend. Hilarious movie, especially when you watch it with your parents. My favorite line:
  Willie: No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
  Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
  Willie: What the fuck? No!
• I was, frankly, a little disappointed in Elf. I probably built it up too much in my head. Oh well, I am over it.
• Son of a bitch Redskins. Who the hell is Patrick Crayton!?!
• John is taking a beating in the bowl pool.
• 2 pm today- I need everyone cheering for Fresno State vs. the Fags from UVA as they play hide the salami in Boise.

The most important holiday

A wise man once told the story:

Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!

And thus Festivus was born! Alas, I am at work today but hopefully will not need to be in tomorrow, so I will be celebrating Festivus tonight.

Horoscope

I thought the horoscopes from the Onion were supposed to be funny. Mine, this week, is alarmingly accurate.

Need Help

Chad, John and I are doing a Bowl Pick'em for the College Football Bowl season. Against the spread for all 27 games. We are off to a rousing 0-1 start. Anyway, we need some ideas about how to reward the winner / punish the loser(s). Any thoughts? We need some creativity, 'cause we certainly don't have any.

Fortuitous Chrisemestukkah!

On the greatest single day of celebration known to man, myself and the the sacred Kahks Wallow elders of the ancient Balzdeep Indians wish you the following: Fortuitous Chrisemestukkah to all my dearest friends!

As you may or may not know, Chrisemestukkah is the culmination of the ultimate triumvirate of December celebrations: Christmas, when Jesus' zombie corpse emerges from some cave at the stroke of midnight to exact revenge on homosexuals and people with brown skin; Semestus Awesomus, the traditonal marathon binge drinking tournament thrown by the Romans after final exams were over; and Hanukkah, which is included because Jerry Falwell told me Jews run Hollywood and I'm trying to get funding to produce my Chrisemestukkah miniseries on FoX.

So, in these, truly the holiest of times, the Balzdeep Indians would enter the forest and ask the holy departed spirits of Jesus, ex-Professors, and Home Heating Oil to bestow upon them great luck in the sack for the upcoming year. Unfortuantely, the gods heard the request wrong and shot down a to-go order of "weighty fucking sack." Also there was Cole Slaw, but no one ever eats the Cole Slaw. The Indians avoided the beam, which struck a racoon. A Japanese student observing the Ancient Balzdeep tribe for her graduate studies in Cultural Anthropology observed the awesome power of the gods: this we know from the following engraving found in a cave just south of Cape Horn, Africa:

So, to all my favorite idiots, happy Christmas, Hanukkah, and to those of us still in school, enjoy the break, for such is mandated by a bunch of holy Indians. I am taking full advantage. Already. You may have noticed I have started multiple chemical enhancement procedures.

Always pick up your toys

No idea how dated this is, but it is amusing.

Maintenance

Just a quick note: Some features (like replying to posts) may be down for a while today. The company that hosts this site is getting hammered by people trying to put spam on this website and others like it. So they're making us change some files. I'll also add a new feature to help cut down on the spam that involves typing in a passcode. Hopefully the transition will be easy...

Good idea, bad execution

Okay, so there's this 21-year Australian that almost killed himself by drinking too much. It would normally be a non-story, except for the fact he used a beer bong that was powered by a pump hooked up to a power drill. Kudos, my friend, kudos.

Back posting

this hideous semester is almost over, so now i'm back to reading the website more regularly. which leads me to post more. which leads me to post about this. honestly, if you saw this in the news on April 1st, would you think it was an April fool's joke? Best quote: "We thought our main customers would be men in their 20s, but even men in their 60s are buying it" Oh gee, are ya sure?

I`m immune to all viruses, I get the cocaine it cleans out my sinuses

ODB died as a result of a mixture of cocaine and another non-narcotic drug. Note that along side the story, you are given the option to receive e-mail alerts from CNN regarding ODB.

Unless unnamed Med schools students start giving me the prescription drugs I seek, I will implicate them in a giant drug ring in which that they have been giving away prescription drugs. I expect to have my requests met by the time I have lugged two bathtubs up a hill in the middle of no where and filled them with water. One for me, one for Bea Arthur. I just had to look up whether Bea Arthur was dead or not. Insert standard Jeffrey Ross joke.

The Redskins are so bad . . .

. . . that Papa John's has improved their 'Skins related special since under the old special, you'd win one free topping every month or so.
Globally, our President is not terribly popular. We have managed to piss off all the Germans. I imagine they will be "on vacation" on our shores in no time.
Netflix seems to be causing Blockbuster to eliminate late fees. Neat

Regets winning lottery?

I have a hard time feeling sorry for these people. There are a lot of rich folks out there....perhaps the old man shouldn't be beating up bartenders and generally acting like a fool...

If they want to get rid of it I'll take it off their hands...

Boo

From the "craptacular for consumers business moves" department, EA Sports now has exclusive NFL and NFLPA rights with respect to video games. That freakin' sucks balls. ESPN football and Sega's NFLxK series are now relegated to:
-changing their names - no more "NFL" allowed
-changing their teams - see above
-changing stadiums - guess why
-losing all legitimacy

Is EA not content with having two of the ten best selling titles this year (Madden '05 and the '05 Collector's Edition)? Does the NFL really think it's better for the league if kids can only see their players on the most difficult, realistic, and expensive title available? Madden is intended for grown-ups that want to simulate real football. The others try to put out good football games, and Take Two (ESPN branded) was able to do it for about a third of the cost of the EA product.

This is like Google making itself available only thorugh IE...sucks for everybody but the entity receiving the check. I feel for the poor kids who's family can't spend $65 on a video game, who now have to play the Baltimore Blackbirds against the Washington Indigenous Peoples (at historic T & M Bank Field) with star players Ron Louis and Clint Sorpist. Gaaaaaaaaaaay.

Eagles-Skins

Ordinarily, I'd do a Highlights list about this, but since it's unclear on some of these as to whether they are highlights or lowlights, I'll just list them all. Mike, I'm expecting you to fill in what I miss.

- traffic was pretty heavy on the beltway. but after getting off the highway, we easily found...
- the parking lot, which was, uh, not sanctioned by the redskins. take that The Danny!
- walking over a pasture out of said parking lot
- the bus over to Fedex, where discussion ranged from the quality of ballparks (heard that pittsburgh has some sweet stadiums) to the etiquette of sneaking beer onto a bus to locations of some of the city's finer gentleman's club.
- skins take the opening kickoff for 70 yards. i immediately worry that i'll get a phone call from pat in seconds.
- best jersey #1: Koy Detmer (you sir, obviously have way too much money)
- best jersey #2: Brad Johnon (you sir, obviously don't have enough money)
- a whole lotta eagles fans, which led to many a chant for both teams
- the degenerate gamblers behind us. for the first quarter and into the second quarter, they bet on every single down. "two dollars says they don't make it past the 31"
- the nightclub atmosphere provided by the eagles-cheering chicky chics in front of us who insisted on dancing. every damn time they would finally sit down, the PA would play ludacris. STAND UP...STAND UP. and up they would go.
- quote of the night, from mike: "i'm beginning to feel sympathy for ron artest." it should be noted that mike said this before (uh oh, i feel a side story coming)
- the older skins fan sitting next to mike (he had moved up from a few rows down to mock the chicky chics) getting thrown to the ground by the throat by the eagles fan next to him.
- the ensuing yelling, cursing, and taunting about certain individuals' manhood and gender. and that was just among the eagles fans. (i am not making this up)
- the ensuing yelling, cursing, and taunting about certain individuals' manhood and gender going back and forth between eagles fans and redskin fans.
- the guy in the raiders jersey saying we should all just get along.
- all in all, the fight could have been worse. considering he was thrown to the ground, the guy who got the worst of it took it pretty well, and security did their job. (now back to the rest of the game)
- the snow that started falling
- an eagles win...
- but not covering, so i owe pat a 6-pack. come on pat sing it with me, "i'll be back in the high life again"

needless to say, i had a good time.

Madden 2005 makes me qualified!

From Antonio Gates (TE, Chargers):
"You know what helped? Playing Madden. I was always the Chargers. After I got here, I'd play the game and notice things about the defenses. I started recognizing formations in the (video) game, then I'd get to practice and see them there."

This alone means I should be coaching the Dolphins in 2005. I couldn't do any worse, right?

The petition starts here!!

Things you don't care about

Sportstalk 1260 is going off the air and if being replaced by Air America, the liberal radio network. Which is great, because reception for 1260 extends from Chevy Chase to North Chevy Chase in my car. Rack Jim Rome, he is out.

Cartman's version of 'Oh Holy Night' was ranked as the worst Christmas song ever. The Demographic surveyed? "30-to-49-year-old women specifically recruited because they loved Christmas music and listened to all-holiday radio every year."

Apparently 26 is the average marrying age for men, and a number of us are 26, or will be soon, here is a guide for us single guys so that we can conform. Ok, so of the people who read this website, this is relevant to about 3 people.

Official Terrapin Tables Christmas Tree

Ding Fries are Done

I know everybody has seen this already, but I figured I'd post it just because it's the holiday season and it seemed appropriate.

Pizza

The Redskins scored four touchdowns while the Ravens only managed a measly two touchdowns. Why is this important? Because local pizza joints have dopey promotions linked to the number of touchdowns your local sports team scores. So get your cheap Redskins pizza before they realize they stink.

Survey

Okay, who else I drunk? I am. 2 bottels of wine, since 4. Drinky drinky.

Maybe I Was Wrong

Hey, maybe "spreading freedom" is a good thing. I mean, look at what it has done for women's suffrage in Afghanistan.

Treats for the Kiddies

I swore on 11/3 that I was done with politics - and I am, for this isn't poitics, it's education - but I had to share my sickness over what has apparently become the norm in sex-ed classes. Here we go with some ideological concerns - and outright lies - masquerading as fact:

- one third of gay male teenagers test positive for AIDS,
- sweat and tears can transmit the AIDS virus,
- genital touching can cause pregnancy,
- a 43-day-old fetus is a "thinking person," and my favorite,
- Ahem: "Some course materials cited in Waxman's report present as scientific fact notions about a man's need for "admiration" and "sexual fulfillment" compared with a woman's need for "financial support."

Yup, kiss and dude and get AIDS. Get to close to an AIDS carrier and...get AIDS. Keep your damn hands to yourself or have a kid. And, all women are whores. The report also linked suicide and abortion...there are some wonderful, objective, rational people tasked with determining the education of these kids. Maybe I should be a teacher:

""Hey kids, it's sex-ed time. Listen up: sex feels great, it's awesome, and can be the best thing you ever do with another person. But, be stupid about it, and you're in for a world of hurt: you're dick'll turn green and you'll be buying diapers with your lawn mowing money. So if you're gonna fuck, wrap it up. As to the method: Insert Rod A into Slot B, retract, repeat." The end.

Oh, and John, I titled this how I did just for you. Maybe you get it, maybe not.

Baltimore's $1 days

Hey everyone...not sure if you all are aware but Baltimore is having it's $1 days this Saturday and Sunday. Some major attractions include:

Babe Ruth Birthplace & Museum $1 admission both days, 410.727.1539,
baberuthmuseum.com
Baltimore Civil War Museum $1 admission both days, 410.385.5188, mdhs.org
Baltimore Ice Rink at Harbor Point $1 admission Saturday 10 – noon, Sunday
noon – 2, 410.522.3213 promotionandarts.com
Carroll Mansion $1 admission Sunday, 410.605.2964
Edgar Allen Poe House $1 admission Saturday, 410.396.7932,
ci.baltimore.md.us/government/historic/poehouse.html
The Flag House & Star-Spangled Banner Museum $1 admission Saturday,
410.837.1793, flaghouse.org
Maryland Historical Society $1 admission both days, 410.685.3750, mdhs.org
Maryland Science Center $1 admission both days, 410.685.5225, mdsci.org
National Aquarium in Baltimore $1 admission both days, 410.576.3800,
aqua.org
Phoenix Shot Tower $1 admission Sunday, 410.605.2964
Port Discovery, the Children’s Museum in Baltimore $1 admission both days,
410.727.8120, portdiscovery.org Robert
Long House $1 admission both days, 410.675.6750, preservationsociety.com
Top of the World Observation Level $1 admission both days, 410.837.VIEW,
promotionandarts.com
The Walters Art Museum Free admission Saturday 10 – 1, 410.547.9000,
thewalters.org

I know that BB&T will take precedence but if anyone wants to do something here in Bmore at one of these places I'd be up for it.

We've all been there

It is 2:00 am. You're kinda tipsy. Time to pass out. But no, gotta make some dumbass phone call to an ex, a new interest, or for some of us (Chad) your boss. Apparently Virgin Mobile is here to help you. It is a pretty stupid system, really, but it is good to know that someone is looking out for drunk-dialers.

that Ken Jennings

well, it's over. Ken Jennings lost last night on Jeopardy. i watched just to see his expression when he lost...