Terrapin Tables

Relocation

I officially have a place to live in College Park...and, within walking distance to bars. Half mile down Rt. 1 from campus. So, if we chance to get loaded in College Park, we don't have to pull a Daddy...we can walk to comfort and safety.

I'll be moving right after New Year's...Word.

Football and beer time!

So we're heading out to Florida... or as the Simpsons (and Chris) puts it: America's wang. For the three people that read this and aren't going to the bowl game, make sure you get nice and wasted on the 31st. The site is now set up to show the last 5 entries because I don't want to have this site become empty. So feel free to keep posting random stuff on here before we get back and turn everything into a religious argument....

Costco

Here is the last dose of John before the New Year, musings as I strolled through Costco:
- Two fire extinguishers in your cart? If encounter a problem that requires two fire extinguishers, before you cast yourself in the lead role of "Backdraft 2," try dialing 911.
-Housewives, stop sniping at each other about your place in line. I have a solution: Spatulas at dawn. Whoever can make a Western Omelette the fastest wins.
-It is impossible to shoplift at Costco. The quantities are too big. No one is smuggling out a 55 gallon drum of Crisco. This observation comes from a person who has smuggled not only a jack-o-lantern candle holder out of a bar in his pants, but also a candy-cane candle the size of a coffee can in his coat.
-While the developments in toaster technology are amazing, I still burn mine. Fix that before you develop something that would allow me to toast an entire loaf of bread at a time.
-My life can be had for less than it costs to purchase a single Taylor Made driver.
-There are gravity bike stands. I encourage you to purchase one of these, as I purchased an anti-gravity one, left it outside, and now I can't find it or the bike that was on it.
-You, in the bakery section, I want to smash your face into that giant sheet cake over there. Not in a mean way. In a playful way, banking on the fact that I am faster than you, and any Costco employee I might encounter.
-The dungeness crabs they have there scare me. I wish they would stop hassling me for money.
-Who wants to join me in a Dr. Phil book burning? You can solve all the world's problem and look like a child molester at the same time. Kudos.
-There are gummi bear vitamins. Should I ever chose to do myself in, this is how I will do it. I will pound bottle after bottle until I am invulnerable to cold, yet die of an overdose of any number of insoluble vitamins. Death by iron overdose sounds kind of manly, no?
-What is better than 5 pounds of gummi bears? 10 pounds.
-There is a "Trading Spaces" episode guide. This is not the worst news. It is the first of three guides. I will now light myself on fire.
-They have "natural style" beef jerky. I can only interpret this to mean it is beef jerky as it occurs in nature.
-There are bathing suits that now have the flotation devices sewn into the suit itself. If there was any question as to what Michael Jackson will be bobbing for next Halloween, now you know.
-In my time I have seen people snort jello, flour, and ritalin. Future experimentations I would like to see include parmesan cheese, raisins and dishwashing crystals.
-If [insert metallic superhero] had nose hairs, would they be like a scouring pad?
-In Costco, you can conduct 'ramming speed' runs on unattended shopping carts with little to no repurcussions.
-The picture of the hot dog at the food stand is approximately 8 feet long. I need an adult.
-They are hiding the weapons of mass destruction behind the 5 pound Chicken of the Sea containers.

And now for some news about me:
-Last night, walking between two houses in the dark, I ran squarely into a tree that was about three feet tall while carrying wine stoppers (don't ask). I managed to break the skin on my thigh, but the only damage to the pants was a giant hole in the crotch. I cannot carry anything in my left front pocket because it hurts too much.
-Two of my uncles bought each other the identical christmas present; Craftsmen aluminum hydraulic car jacks.
-I bought my father a pair of Motorola walkie-talkies. Unbeknowst to me, he purchased 3 pairs of said walkie-talkies for two of my uncles and my cousin's husband. Now do the math. 6 gifts exchanged hands, while only 2 different products were involved.
-Suppose that my Uncle Tommy has a Toyota Camry. And suppose that my father gave him a small, festively wrapped disc-shaped item as a present. And suppose that upon unwrapping this present, my uncle should find a rice cake with "Fuel Cell for a Toyota Camry" written upon it in black sharpie. My father did this for every relative that happens to have a Japanese car, which is pretty much all of them. It should be noted that when I am home, there are NINE cars strewn about the property. 3 of them run. How can you not love him.

Pretty good gene pool we've got working.

New Year's Eve

So everyone wil be in FL...good for you. Or, good for y'all...it is Florida (America's wang).

I will be at a party in Cape St. Clair for those that are 1) not going to a bowl and 2) not obligated to a significant other to provide an overpriced night of champagne and music with horns. I am inviting everyone, even though it's not my party.
So there you go. FWIW, there is a very strong track record of "enjoying qualtiy time with the opposite sex" at this particular get together, if that interests you.

Oh no!

The website is empty. Since I have nothing of any quality to post, amuse yourselves with this link I stole from Fark. Yay Midget Tossing! No political, religious, philosophical discussions allowed on this post.

Last call for the short bus to hell...

Happy B-Day

Roy, you trumped me! Anyway, Merry Christmas to everyone:

Happy Birthday...

Since I can't find the picture of the happy birthday billboard from Atlanta (hint hint), how about a picture of somebody else who celebrates a birthday today.

Take it from the man sitting on a sinking boat named Good Luck - if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.

Winnings

So, should we list our respective holiday hauls? My family always does our Xmas on the 24th (so tomorrow is more laid back), so our gifting is done...should everyone detail their new stuff, or will no one care?

I got a bottle, some cool rare Ed Roth stuff, some stuff to read, and a large (read as: silly) pile of cash.

Anyone with anything more interesting?

The Wilhelm

Since I'm pretty sure that Rick and I are the only ones who read /. I won't worry about double-posting this. Apparently this one sound effect, the so-called Wilhelm Scream, has been used in a ton of movies dating from the 1950's. Pretty neat stuff. It was even used in Roy's all-time favorite movie, Cradle 2 the Grave.

Movie

Not funny, or outlandish in any way. Just a quaint Christmas movie

Zip code map

So it takes a while to load, but this is a nifty zip code map that you can interact with.

I am stupid

Pat can attest to the fact I am a moron (actaully - I am sure all of you can). Anyway, last night I managed to flush my cellphone down the toilet. Yes, you read that correctly, and no - don't ask about it.

Anyway - I got most of your numbers back in my phone via Pat and John, but if there is anyone out there that desperate wants to make sure their number is in my oh-so-important phone book -- then just send me an e-mail with the info.

I'll try not to flush my computer down the toilet....

Hilarity

- I got a Viagra spam email today. The sender was identified as Speeches R. Queerness.

- Pat has been dethroned.

- While waiting for Casey today, I spent like two hours hanging out, wathcing tv and such with her cute roommate, thinking "oh-right...this is cool." Then her boyfriend came over. I did not know she had a boyfriend. Stinks.

- I slept through, did no reading, and generally showed nothing but contempt for a class this semester. As I handed in my final, the prof reached for my hand to shake it and congratualte me on my "excellent work this semester" before handing me an A+ paper that took...45 minutes. Meanwhile, I grind myself down for HIST-111 for a probable C.

- I haven't shaved since Saturday. Who cares. It's not like I'm growing a beard, I'm not hairy enough. Whatever. I tell people it's a ritual, "no shaving during finals."

- Instead of studying for finals, I've been playing a 13-year-old computer game. King's Quest 6. It's DOS, yet manages to run on XP. It sucks, but I keep playing it. I really, really want Prince Alexander to marry Princess Cassima, and I have to defeat a wizard or something to get it done. Also, there are talking flowers.

- I went to look at an apartment today. Dude opened the door; it smelled like mildew, ass, and death. Complete hole of shit. Yet, I let him pressure me into filling out an application. I used Domino's as my home number, Papa John's and 867-5309 as the reference numbers. I hope the guy calls them.

Japanese IQ Test

Apparently this is an IQ test given to employees in Japan. Just hit the bigger circular button to start. Everybody has to cross the river. The following rules apply:

* Only 2 persons on the raft at a time
* The father can not stay with any of the daughters without their mother's presence
* The mother can not stay with any of the sons without their father's presence
* The thief (striped shirt) can not stay alone with any family member
* Only the father, the mother and the policeman know how to operate the raft
* To move the people click on them.
* To move the raft click on the red balls

If you succeed in:
4 minutes: you are a Genius
6 minutes: You are exceptionally intelligent
10 minutes:You are very intelligent
20 minutes:You are average
25 minutes: You are a bit slow
30 minutes or more: You are terrible

I figured this was just the thing to post on a Friday. Have fun.

Folsom Electric

The truth about the taboo family business finally comes to light. Michelle, I believe you have some explaining to do.

End of the year list

It had to happen, the annual "best of" list. And while I'm sure people who read this site would have many interesting ideas as to the best movie of the year or the best sporting event, how about a list of the best posts and replies to good ol' terrapintables? My vote for best post goes to Chad's post about next day affects of a night spent boozing. It had everything: the drama of not knowing if it was written by Chad, Rick, or Pat, the comedy of the recollection of the night before, and the absurdity of a chocolate "treat" in the morning. And for best reply, I suggest it's Rick's Jesuelle reply to our discussion of the possibilities and implications of a cloned Jesus.

Pants

You were lucky Mr. Nelson. Does it ever get old?

Drunken Worms

An amusing article about scientists studying the effects of alcohol on nematodes.

Big Ups to Florida

Seems they realized there were some mistakes made in '00, and now, voters can make their true voice heard online.

Centennial of Flight

Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright brothers' flight. As a special event for this day, I've been asked to go speak to a bunch of 3rd graders about the CarterCopter and flight in general (my boss is out of town). So, in a couple hours, I'm off to mold the minds of our youth.

Oh, and here are a few good links about the Centennial of Flight:
Centennial of Flight, with a good Essay Section.

Safety

Since we have very little to discuss, be proud of, ruminate over, contemplate, engage in discourse regarding, or converse about with family over the Xmas break, I assume many of us will drink.

Please note these safety tips.

Thank you,
Management

So after getting Evites for years, I fired up the "My Profile" dealie. 6 hours later, I got this:

Dear Chris,
Thank you for uploading a photo to your My Info page.
Unfortunately, we had to take down your photo because the one you posted contains animals, children, cartoons, comics, celebrities, nudity, artwork, or copyrighted images.
Please go back to My Info to post another photo of yourself.

And what was the offending image?

gator bowl events

so i heard that there was talk about doing the 5k run/walk down in jacksonville. the run/walk begins at 2 and goes to 3. then the parade begins and then after that is the terps pep rally. the cool thing is that if you do the 5k you get free beer afterwards!!! so i just wanted to let you all know some of the details and if needed check out the gatorbowl website to get the form for the 5k. btw, i move that this bowl game be called "haterbowl"...i just like the sound of it better.

Hussein

So Saddam Hussein has been captured. He's now being held in Qatar and denying any WMDs. Any particular thoughts out there? Should (would?) the international community push for a death sentence, or would that make him a martyr? Wouldn't it be fun to just put him in a cell with a bunch of Marines?... etc.

John Goes to the Mall

Over my lunch 'hour' today, I went to Tysons mall. Generally I like going to the mall over the Holidays. I may actually return to Tysons Corner on Saturday if anyone is interested. Anyway, here are some neat things about the mall during the holidays.

- If your Christmas music includes the combination of some white person singing and the use of turntables, it sucks. Tony Bennett does not need a DJ.

- It is funny to watch a woman walk by the make-up counter and give a woman having make-up applied a sideways glance. Almost like, "Darling, what are you letting them do to you." Keep in mind that the woman giving the glance appears as though her make-up was done by Maaco and involved masking tape and newspaper.

- It is also funny to watch men in the jewelry store. They all have that deer in the headlights look on their face. Their signifigant others might as well have just sent a guy with a black hood and an axe along with them, and have this gentleman whisper in their ear "You are a screw-up all year long, but if you buy something shiny enough you can get away with it for one more year, don't F it up." Jewelry stores, have some program where the hapless guy can go in, pick out three things he thinks she'll like, put the item numbers on some kind of certificate so the chicky can go in and pick out one she likes. It will seem like he tried, she'll get whatever trinket she wants, and no one gets hurt.

- If I had known my parking space was in such demand, I would have put it on e-bay.

- People are not beating their children enough. It's cute for about a minute to have your kid whimsically wandering around the walkway of the mall. After that minute is up I am going to walk by with the anvil I have in a Hecht's bag and knock some sense into him.

- I don't go into half of the stores that sell men's clothes even if I am looking for clothes. Why? Because I can't tell if the sell men's clothes, because they are tucked into a closet way in the back behind the four hundred different types of silk scarves you can buy.

- I like walking around and seeing that the shop that was the Halloween store is now the National Zoo store, and the same people are working there.

- There is a kid's Bath & Body works. You don't need this. If you get your kid fruit scented shampoo, they are going to drink it. Get them stuff that doesn't make them cry when it gets into their eyes.

- Chespeake Knife and Tool has buy one, get one 30% off. Exactly how many knives do you want me to buy? I want to buy two, come back to rob the place, throw one at an employee and whip out the second one, and inform everyone that I got it on sale.

- A gentleman on a cell phone was overheard suggesting that he was going to sell something for a "three-thirds" mark-up. "Three-thirds" equals one. Good luck making a profit on that one you preening schmo.

- For all your fashion designers, when a new style comes out, the first thing I think when I see it should not be "Do I have brass ones big enough to wear that?" They are clothes, this is not Jackass. Dressing myself in the morning should not be some kind of stunt involving my dignity. You know why your clothes look good? Because you put them on waifs with pretty face. I never even look at the clothes because I am trying to count the right angles on this coat hanger with legs that you have dressed in a parka and a tutu. Hot people look hot no matter what you put them in, and I am going to look like crap by comparison no matter what you put me in.

- I saw a tie with Rhinestones on it. I wanted a regemental tie that was red & either white or light silver. It's christmas, and it would look like an F-ing candy cane. Got it? I should not be able to come up with a design that includes a primary color and white in alternating stripes that does not exist. But I can get a tie with rhinestones.

- Shouldn't you be in school?

- Stop dressing like that, you're not old enough to know better. Yet.

- It is not a salesperson stalking me while I shop. It is by own reflection in the mirrored pillar you dolt.

Misery needs company

I've not been enjoying myself as of late. I'm so crammed with schoolwork I've been going 7am-3am for a few days now (40 pages in 10 days submitted, 2 novels read, two presentations of about 7 minutes given, plus attending classes).
I haven't seen any Yu-gi-oh in like two weeks, spent all last Friday waiting on Casey at the dentists (not that I mind that, I'd do anything for her, and everyone knows it...I just could've used the time), I sit in traffic everyday for about an hour longer than my commute should take, the weather sucks, and the cherry on top? Today I came out of class to find this wasn't where I'd left it. And there was no trace of the lock I'd secured it with. It wasn't just $800 in parts, but the first bike I built from just parts. I liked it a lot and was proud of it and now, barring a miracle, it's gone. I got Lieutenant Dangled..."Oh, fuck me...did anyone see a bike?"

So, as all work will be handed in by tomorrow afternoon, I propose I get completely shitfaced this weekend. I don't have any money to go out (point number 56 on the bitch list) but I can still afford one bottle of cheap, cheap liquor. Which I will drink in its entirety. So if anyone wants to sit around with me Friday or Saturday night while I put myself into a coma, let me know. Otherwise I'm gonna wake up in my room on Nathan's couch covered in vomit and piss with the season 1 disc 3 Family Guy menu repeating, and repeating, and repeating...

Apple Pie

I'm sure many of you have seen this. I'm sure my mere posting it guarantees me a prime seat on the short bus to hell.

Do you have any "protection"?

Now, this is totally harmless...but just has to be oh so wrong. I want to make a joke, about Rick, but prefer to leave the floor open.

80's Style Drunken Fun

I have all of the pictures up from last Saturday night. They are incredible. Each picture is a link to a larger version of the same picture. They are kind of large and might not load very quickly. I have the high resolution versions of all of them if anyone wants me to burn them to CD. There are 2 really good videos (Roy and Paige dancing), but I will await Mr. Nelson's ok to put them on the site because of their size.

• You can find all of the pictures HERE
• And if anyone can tell us what happened to Chad, that would be great

Fatboy is dead. Long live Jeff.

The Fatboy you once knew is gone:

I spent the weekend putting up Christmas lights on my house and watching cartoon Christmas specials. I'm becoming more domesticated by the day.

Actually, the name Fatboy will live on for a long time. Alex overheard Irma call me Fatboy, so now she likes calling me that, too.

financial advising

so, a classmate of mine has a boyfriend named chris gable who works as a financial advisor. since you all make money and have the potential need for financial advising from someone who is our age with some of the same interests as us, i wanted to post his name and number in case you'd like to get in touch with him. so again, his name is chris gable and his number is 410-539-0000/800-368-2558 and his email address is cmgable@leggmason.com. very nice guy who i'm sure would be of much help in trying to make you all millionaires!

Flav has a rough commute

So... I had an interesting experience on Sunday. After waking up on John's couch wearing a Randel Cunningham jersey and a clock around my neck, I had to hurry home to shower off "my" lipstick and pick my brother up to head down to the BB&T classic at the MCI center.

I will pause while you re-read the last sentence....

So anyway, as you can imagine, I am a little tired, disoriented, and hungover. We get on the metro in College Park and my brother takes a window seat, and I take the aisle. Across the aisle and 1 seat up is a large black man. As soon as we sit down, the following conversation ensues:

Black Man (BM): (to my brother) Hey my man, where you going?
Ryan: Um, to the MCI center.
BM: Give me a dollar (yes, it was indeed that subtle)
Ryan: Sorry, I don't have anything.
BM: What, so I have to fight you for it? (I now know that this is not going to turn out well)
Ryan: Uh.....
BM: (turns to me) So, did what I say to him offend you?
Me: Maybe you should just sit there and mind your own business, we'll sit over here, and everything is cool.
BM: OR WHAT SLIM? HUH PARTNER? YOU THINK THERE IS STILL SLAVERY UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?
Me: Jesus, whatever (at this point I am actually laughing at him - this enrages him more)
BM: MOTHERFUCKING CRACKER. I WILL KILL YOU, etc... (he is now standing over me yelling.)

At this point BM decided to escalate matters by spitting at me. This did not sit well with me. So I punched him in the face. We end up on the ground. After rolling around the metro car, we both get up. I notice a stroller next to me. I tell BM that there are little kids here and they don't need to see this. BM responds by incoherently rambling more things about crackers and glasses and slavery and such. I keep laughing at him. BM is so pissed off (or wacked out on something) he is foaming at the mouth. Some old woman calls the cops. BM gets off at the next station. Cops never show up (good to know those call boxes on the trains work wonders).

I spend the rest of the trip getting congratulated by random people. I rule metro car number 5002.

Heh

So Paris Hilton's cell phone number got on the internet. I'd post it, but it's worthless now that she's gotten a new one. But it's still fun to listen to her voicemail message.

Maryland Atheists

Article 36 of the Maryland Constitution says the following:

"nor shall any person, otherwise competent, be deemed incompetent as a witness, or juror, on account of his religious belief; provided, he believes in the existence of God, and that under His dispensation such person will be held morally accountable for his acts, and be rewarded or punished therefore either in this world or in the world to come."

Which begs the question, can an atheist serve jury duty in Maryland?

Movie

You may have seen this. It amuses me.

" . . .but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and its not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire."

My new red stapler arrived today, and it is the highlight of my day. Nothing even comes a close second. It is so far and away the best part of my day that it turns my stomach. And its a damn stapler. Bring on the god foresaken weather. The only things on my agenda are making jello shots and using some of the ingredients to 'self-medicate' so that I can 'cope.'

C&CMF

So, C & C Music Factory is playing tonight at Arundel Mills. Does anyone want to go? Jillians.com says the show is still on, but I can't find places to buy tix (Mix 106's website no longer has the contest to win tickets), so I'm assuming we can buy tix at the door ($10 I believe). And we don't know the start time. So if anyone knows when it starts, post a response.

Have a laugh, or a cry

Some of these are painfully funny, and some are just painfully sad.

(Link courtesy of Greg Hancock)

Kids Today...

...are such wusses (see how I cleaned up the language for the ladies? Yeah, you like that). Remember getting so far beyond drunk you (meaning me) slept in strange bathrooms, with strange people, or in one shining example of our (my) civility, Knox Road?

Well, that behavior should (but doesn't) raise some red flags...not this crap, though. Really, I expected a fun article on some freshmen drinking a quart of Everclear, boinking a sheep, and falling into a thresher or something. Not this nonsense.

Wuss ass kids.

Never Clean Again

I'm sure our friends at Muirkirk give the toilet a bit o' scrubbing when they know a lady is coming...but thanks to whatever this is, those days are now behind you!

Rick: do not masturbate to this.

PS - notice her eyes after the thing is over, the chick kind of looks around the room like "no one saw that, right?"

Picture Time

Not a terribly important post, but I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that I will be putting a TON of pictures up on the website from the last few years of tailgating. Courtesy of Mr. Pali, of course. 235 MB of choices...everyone say "Thank you" next time you see him. Since I am not a complete tease, here is a sampling of the pictures. Enjoy, and if you want a whole CD, let me know.

This is from 2001!	Before the Kickoff Classic 2002
Homecoming 2003. I like John and Roy in the background	The last game of the year. Thank you Mr. Pali

Betrayed

Is nothing sacred?

A ying needs a yang. Good needs evil. Slurpees need Icees. It's nature's way, and without these delicate balances the universe would unravel. It's true.

So, that being said, look at what I have to deal with now. Some weird almalgamate of two things that should, nay, must remain seperate.

Goddammit. This actually pisses me off. "Leader-1" and "Transformers" should not be used in the same sentence without qualifiers like better, worse, sucks harder than, etc.

Dent removal

So let's say I know a guy who's had really bad luck lately, and the car he rented for only 3 days got a sizable dent on the driver's door while parked in a parking lot on Sunday. He has to return the car by 5:30 today. Should he try to fix the dent with a plunger, fix the dent with one of those "as seen on TV" dealies they sell at Wal-Mart, or should he just ignore it and just hope to God they don't notice since it'll be dark out? Discuss.