The bracket is out. I think it's safe to say a few things:
- a 4 seed was unexpectedly high, after the first-round pants pooping in the ACC tourney.
- we better beat a team named after Jeeves, a stuffy British manservant, after rolling over one half of America's legendary motorcycle craftsmen.
- Let's go Virgina Commonwealth, let's go. V-C-U. V-C-U.
- I don't know who this Roberts chick is in the East, but I wanna meet her.
- How did Buffalo get to host games from both the West and the Midwest? Something something "wide right" something "freezing" something "hot wings."
- I'm amazed at the progress video games have made crossing over into college basketball. Not only do Utah's favorite polygamists have to go against the leader of all the mutants (well, the good ones anyway), but the Hoyas should make it to the second round relatively unscathed, as their opponent has never been known to hurt dogs. Just vampires.
- Without looking it up, someone not named "John Albers" tell me what conference Texas A&M Corpus-Christi won for their autobid. Give up? Their bid was a doorprize at the 2006 South Central Texas Jesus, Barbecue, and Shit-Kicking Conference held at the TA&MCC fieldhouse in January. They don't actually have a basketball team, but didn't want to hurt the feelings of the prize committee, so they grabbed the six tallest kids they could find and sent 'em up to Chicago. They were warned not to come back carpetbaggers, under penalty of "we'll done show you what's what when you be tryin' it, boy," and each player was branded with the image of W sodomizing Barack Hussein Bin-Laden Osama, Texas' new state logo, for easy identification, before being put on the cattle train north.
These and other perfectly cromulent analyses--common sense, really--can be found in my new book, "240 pages of your life you'll never get back again."
I leave you know with some reader questions:
Q: Chris, who should I bet on in the West bracket?
A: Go with Illinois, because don't go dreaming about Gonzaga when it's clearly brie time, baby. And the Jayhawks should roll - and my Gordian Knot lock of the week is: they'll face the Wildcats in the second round. Mark it down now, boys.
Q: What about a big upset? Like a 12 over a 5?
A: In any match between a nancy-boy college like "Butler" and something that sounds like cheap hooch, aka "Old Dominion Smooth Drinkin' Rye," always go with the hooch school. A continuance of this explains why the drug-addled, hooker-lovin' squad from Nevada is sure to pass by a bunch of frock-wearing fruitcups from "Creighton." Wasn't the guy that raped Betsy Ross named Creighton? My point exactly.
Q: What are you even talking about? When was the last time you were sober?
A: Shut up, that's when. You don't know me.
Q: I assume you'll be traveling to Sacramento to cover the tourney. Which games are you looking forward to the most?
A: Why travel to Sacramento when I save on gas and just stab myself in the eye with a screwdriver in the comfort of my own home? I mean, have you ever been to Sacramento? There's a reason that place is called "Sac Town," believe me.
Q: Be bold, Chris, who do you have in the Final Four?
A: Going on record here: Maryland, in the Midwest, of course. Butch Davis' Tarheels look strong, so they get the East slot, my third pick is that adorable little Sanjaya Malakar kid, and rounding out the Final Four will be the Baltimore Ravens' defense, eager to prove they're not missing Adalius Thomas.
Q: I think I've had about enough of this.
A: Please don't go.
