Terrapin Tables

Calloo! Callay! Oh, Frabjous Day!!

A celebration! Fireworks are in order!

The odd words in this posting's title are from Lewis Carroll, from Jabberwocky. They're the best celebration words I have, plus, Carroll is an actual great writer. Unlike a certain behemoth of an idiot of a shittalker of a mor4n. I can mean only one person: Jason Whitlock.

Here is Whitlock auditioning for the role of Notorious B.I.G. in the straight-to-DVD feature "Biggie: How Big is too Big - Life and Times of a Fat Guy with Headphones." The part ultimately went to Star Jones.

I can't find confirmation, but it's being reported on Deadspin that Whitlock is leaving Page 2. He's leaving ESPN. He's entering a geosynchronous orbit over Jupiter, as his girth makes Ganymeade look like Deimos (Fatboy will get that: it means he's fat. FAT.).

Regularly, we, usually meaning "I", take time out of our busy (hardly) days to circulate in email fashion the befuddling, distressing, race-clouded, illogical ramblings of this alleged "sports writer." Regularly, we have called for his disembowelment (unfeasible from a clean-up standpoint, that's a lot of bowels), his firing-off-into-space (rising fuel prices have made this economically unrealistic, as breaking orbit with his mass is near impossible with conventional rocket propulsion), or even his dying in a fire (we'd have to wait for another massive Arizona wildfire, but okay).

Now, though, the dark days are behind us. Good bye Jason Whitlock.

I leave you all with this photo, one that Whitlock certainly has framed above his mantle. He's assuredly dusting it now so he can stand back and admire its loveliness:

Jason and 93-year-old NFL veteran Jeff George at their Life Partner commitment ceremony in 2005. Not visible in this AP photo is Whitlock's left hand. It was lovingly massaging the sore spot on Jeff's nutsack, which was heavily bruised from banging against Whitlock's chin so much.

A true celebration is in order. Whitlock, you stink.

Posted by Chris at September 22, 2006 08:18 PM