Terrapin Tables

The Love Calculator

I read on Fark about that 98-year-old idiot that left her entire $1.1M estate to the gummint to help pay down the national debt of $1.8T. I thought to myself, "that's less than .001 percent" but I'm not sure I'm right about that. So I went looking for an online calculator, googling "calculator." The first few hits were for loans, but the third or fourth was Love Calculator, which reports the percentages that certain relationships will work. I couldn't resist. So, here we go with the Terrapin Tables prognostications:

- Rick Nelson and Judy Irvine: 12%..."the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out." The Love Calculator pulls no punches.
- Roy Levy and Paige Burton: 62%..."keep working and talk things over."
- Nathan Powell and Pam Sowards: 97%. Fucking Hell, good news for Natalie.
- Chris McCreary and Whiskey: 28%..."You'll have to spend a lot of quality time together." Done and done, good sir.
- John Albers and Gummy Bears and Sloe Gin: 47%..."a relationship is very well possible, if the two of you really want it to, and are prepared to make some sacrifices for it." This seemed a gimme, but John needs to continue sacrificing - like AIMing out of work, waking up on couches, and making broad, vague statements about Joe Nedney (who will set much into motion if he makes this kick). I think he has the tenacity to make this work.
- Pat Shafer and Denise: 42%...maybe I should have figured out Denise's last name for those extra 40 or so points.
- Chad Fisher and Kristen Pali: 38%...and the same text John and I got. So, either Kristen is 80-proof or the Love Calculator is lazy.
- Fatboy and Irma: 31%, same text. Maybe she should follow the Steelers.
- Meg and Her Vibrator: 26%...I thought this would be a sure bet, but, everyone needs variety, and, in truth, one vibrator just isn't enough. Good catch LC: points for the Love Calculator.
- Mike O'Connell and Katie Jordan: 18%. The numbers just keep going down. Is Love Calulator having a bad morning and taking it out on us? I must get more scientific (yes, reading tea leaves or calling Rick a witch is more scientific than this, but bear with me).

So, disappointed that only two pairs in our whole group even rated above 50%, I threw some big lazy changeups right down the center of the plate:

- Chris McCreary and Chef Boyardee: 85%. Maybe it is paying attention, after all.
- Chris McCreary and Young Girls: 56%. Nicely done Love Calculator.
- John Albers and Tony Kornheiser: 89%. Spot on, Love Calculator.
- Mike O'Connell and Tom Clancy: 64%. Indeed. I should mention, every pair I tried I put on this list...full disclosure. I'm not hiding any "bad" results.

So now I'm worried. It seems at first that the LC just tosses out bad numbers. But, when given control pairings like me and canned pasta, or John and Mr. tony, things are spot on. So, I guess everyone but Nate/Pam and Roy/Paige can expect to break up with their significant other in the near future, or endure years of struggling, Dr. Phil visits, infidelity, and secret longing for any breath of fresh air. The interweb told me so. Enjoy your weekends filled with nervous sidelong glances and self-doubt, friends of mine, as you contemplate a future alone, based on the wisdom of Love Calculator creators Matthijs Sypkens Smit and Thijs Kinkhorst. Their site is like Smuckers: with names like that, they have to be good.

Posted by Chris at January 20, 2006 01:40 PM