I guess be the 4th highest paid athlete in the world wasn't enough....
What could go wrong? In other news, I'm hiring Chris M. to be my financial advisor, cause you know, we be boys, yo
Posted by Nate at May 11, 2005 09:14 AMAlright, here's you're 407k plan Nate. That's right, 407k - this is way better than that 401k bullshit. 6 better, fucker.
- We are at war. Invest in some nuclear bombs, cracker.
- Sticking with investments, I can't say it enough: collectible NASCAR plates, colectible NASCAR plates, collectible NASCAR plates.
- Your committment to HDTV will sap away your discretionary income in, um, maintanence fees. I'll be over to get that stuff as far away from you as I can - all the way to College Park. Snoogins.
- Start saving some money now for Natalie's braces. She will need braces, because being your daughter she'll know all about BattleTech and "throughput" by the time she's 11, and all nerds need braces.
- Did I mention I get 17%, off the top?
- It is okay to spend more than you make. The government has established a Social Security sytem to ensure America's retired persons are well taken care of in their golden years.
- It's not worth it to buy Purple Haze or Blueberry. Some decent Canadian hydro will do you right the fuck up, and it's like, half price.
- Almost anything you could want is available for download on the internet, if you know where to look. I suggest downloading all your foodstuffs and petroleum products from now on.
- Okay fine. 14%.
- Seek reperations.
- Accept as many endorsement deals you can. I have contacted Samsung, Linksys, Callaway, and AMD on your behalf. My clock radio is K6 powered.
- Change Pam's name to Lucienne. She will be well-educated, and smart people make mad loot.
- Drive a Bentley. Guys with Bentleys are fucking loaded.
- Also, it's been observed that guys in KOOL trucks are also rather rich, beeyotch. You could pursue that avenue.
- Diversify your financial holdings across the wide range of football, baseball, basketball, Garbage Pail Kids, and Operation Desert Storm trading cards.
- Fashion your clothing out of readily-available reeds and animal pelts.
- Do not worry about college funds for Cory and Natalie. There ain't been nothin' never learned at no college that my grandpappy didn't learn in a freezing foxhole just south of the Ardennes in '44. Fucking Krauts.
- 12%, final offer.
- If you are stressed with a restricted cash flow, I suggest heavy drinking. Alcohol allows your problems to float away on a magical cloud, never to return. Also, ugly girls get pretty.
- Put your cell number in all your rap songs, ensuring frequent calls from bookers, promoters, and Chad.
- Build a grotto in the backyard. There's no money in this, but dude, an outdoor hottub that's all jungly and shit? Chicks would dig the SHIT out of that.
- Do not sign the white man's treaty. Them shiny rocks ain't good for shit.
- Diversify your bonds, cracker.