Terrapin Tables

How Not To Make Chicken Soup

First you are going to need a recipe. I found mine on the internet. Research chicken broths on the internet as well. Set nerd phasers to kill. Next you are going to want to find a grocery store. As if this weren't hard enough, once inside, you are going to have to find the produce section. In produce section, stare blankly at the three different kinds of onions. Select an onion on a largely arbitrary basis. Locate the parsley. Stare blankly at the three different types of parsley. Select parsley on a largely arbitrary basis. I picked "Italian."" Ciao! Continue to wander around supermarket thanking your lucky stars that you don't have children. Have you interest peaked by bottles of White Zinfandel in the Safeway. Realize, upon cloer inspection, that it is non-alcoholic. Boo. Stand in line behind a pair of girls about five years old. Cringe as they attempt to pick each other up. Watch as one girl goes over to candy rack, picks up Snickers bar, tears it open ever so sligthly and brings it to her mother and asks if she can have it. This child is a genius. The mother has to buy it, since the child opened the wrapper. I vow to steal this method and attempt to convert it into something of a sexual nature. For example, "accidentally" tearing a girls shirt and saying, "Well, it's already open . . . can I have what's inside?" That type of creepy, reprehensible behavior. Return to kitchen and plop bags of ingredients on counter. Remove dress shirt, watch, and anything else that can be ruined/fall into pan during cooking process. Next, determine what a saucepan is. Determining this is an accomplishment, so at this time I suggest pouring & drinking a celebratory beer. Next you will need to slice up a pound of chicken breast without slicing up any of your fingers. Accomplish this task successfully, for the most part, and congratulate yourself by drinking more beer. Next you will need to begin cutting the onion. Cut the onion, and tear up like you are watching the end of "Old Yeller." After that, begin genuinely crying because you are thinking about the end of "Old Yeller." Cook chicken and onions and stuff in the saucepan thingy. Then add the remaining ingredients. At this time you will realize you have forgotten to peel the carrots and chop them. Hurriedly peel and chop the carrots, during which time you will wonder if you even need to peel the carrots. Peel the carrots anyway. Next, drop several pieces of chopped carrots on the floor. Immediately scoop up these pieces and eat them. 5-second rule, waste not-want not and all that crap. Next, realize that you have also forgotten to add parsley. Now, futilely try and jam leaves of parsley into the measuring spoon. Now you must pretend to know what simmer is and get the ingredients to do that after you have boiled them. Cover saucepan with another saucepan because you can't find a lid big enough. Next put in a load of laundry. After that, marry some dispassionate stockbroker named Vince from Long Island, who mocks your BJ technique while he is out drinking with his buddies and you stay home and make chicken soup. That's alright though, because you are having an affair with the vulnerable, yet rugged landscaping man-child Raoul. Next, you will want to get into a fight with the tupperware as it avalanches out from the cabinets onto you. By this time, your terrible concoction should be about finished. Test the brew on your trusting & unsuspecting roommates, Mike & Roy, to see if they die. If they don't die, give the soup a try yourself. If you manage to survive, have a congratulatory beer, as you have successfully made chicken soup.