December 18, 2004
Fortuitous Chrisemestukkah!
On the greatest single day of celebration known to man, myself and the the sacred Kahks Wallow elders of the ancient Balzdeep Indians wish you the following: Fortuitous Chrisemestukkah to all my dearest friends!
As you may or may not know, Chrisemestukkah is the culmination of the ultimate triumvirate of December celebrations: Christmas, when Jesus' zombie corpse emerges from some cave at the stroke of midnight to exact revenge on homosexuals and people with brown skin; Semestus Awesomus, the traditonal marathon binge drinking tournament thrown by the Romans after final exams were over; and Hanukkah, which is included because Jerry Falwell told me Jews run Hollywood and I'm trying to get funding to produce my Chrisemestukkah miniseries on FoX.
So, in these, truly the holiest of times, the Balzdeep Indians would enter the forest and ask the holy departed spirits of Jesus, ex-Professors, and Home Heating Oil to bestow upon them great luck in the sack for the upcoming year. Unfortuantely, the gods heard the request wrong and shot down a to-go order of "weighty fucking sack." Also there was Cole Slaw, but no one ever eats the Cole Slaw. The Indians avoided the beam, which struck a racoon. A Japanese student observing the Ancient Balzdeep tribe for her graduate studies in Cultural Anthropology observed the awesome power of the gods: this we know from the following engraving found in a cave just south of Cape Horn, Africa:
So, to all my favorite idiots, happy Christmas, Hanukkah, and to those of us still in school, enjoy the break, for such is mandated by a bunch of holy Indians. I am taking full advantage. Already. You may have noticed I have started multiple chemical enhancement procedures.
Posted by Chris at December 18, 2004 02:39 PM