With the revelation that I need to get on the Threat Matrix before I die, here is a list of other things to do in no particular order.
That's all for now. Stay tuned as this list is by no means comprehensive and is liable to change without notice. I have done 3 of the things on this list
Posted by John at September 23, 2003 11:51 AMI examined said list, and can check off eleven and a half must-dos...the half for not having any in-laws, but still requiring silent sex.
Anyway, does this make me 3 and a half times cooler than John, or, since it was Maxim's list, a 3 and a half times bigger idiot?
Posted by: Chris at September 23, 2003 04:36 PMEleven and a half? Jesus. I too haven't had silent sex with any in-laws in the next room, but I did have silent sex with the girl's sister in the same room, which is even worse. So that puts me at 4½... too bad one of the things is "get drunk and cut someone's hair", because I did the opposite. With hilarious consequences I might add.
Posted by: Rick at September 23, 2003 04:50 PMAlright, well all this obviously begs the question, which eleven or 4 1/2 or whatever. So here is my abbreviated list:
Catch a home run at a baseball game—even if it’s just batting practice.
Drop by an ex-girlfriend’s for a booty call even though it’ll cause a serious headache.
I am omitting the third intentionally.
Posted by: John at September 23, 2003 05:04 PMMy dirty eleven:
11. Make it through an entire porn video.
12. Survive a bar fight.
13. Watch two women bring each other to fake orgasm in person.
22. Wake up In a Frickin' Gutter (okay, it was a College Park sidewalk)
23. Restore a Classic Car (okay, I've helped my Dad)
25. Have sex on your boss' desk. Don’t clean up afterward. (I was the boss, it was my desk...still counts. Bonus points: I've done this on two desks, at two different jobs. Both desks were mine)
29. Kick your dad's ass. (Not full-on ass kicking, but he won't play fight anymore)
39. Hurt yourself badly while working around the house.
40. Catch a home run at a baseball game -- even if it's just batting practice.
56. Drop by an ex-girlfriend's for a booty call even though it'll cause a serious headache.
74. Have sex in complete silence, with your in-laws in the next room. (We weren't married, but it was her parents)
86. Date a coworker, break up, and ride out the awkwardness.
I think that was 13, but one or two are sketchy. Anyway, there she be.
Posted by: Chris at September 23, 2003 05:22 PM24. Spend a night in jail and talk shit about the screws (that's all anyone did there)
55. Stand outside a bar and collect cover charge (Chad and I got drunk and pretended to be bouncers at Terrapin Station one night - we checked IDs, but I don't think we actually collected the money offered to us, lest we got caught)
74. Sex in silence...
86. Date a coworker and ride out the awkwardness.
88. Get a girl to pay for sex, or at least try. (Denied sex just because it seemed like a fun thing to do; started demanding money. I'm sure I caved shortly thereafter).
Posted by: Rick at September 24, 2003 10:52 AMI made six, if you count not going to Australia:
22. Wake up In a Frickin' Gutter
A park bench, but it still counts
24. Spend a night in jail for a semicool reason and talk shit about the screws.
39. Hurt yourself badly while working around the house.
54. Visit Australia... nah, strike that.
61. Get drunk and cut someone's hair.
86. Date a coworker, break up, and ride out the awkwardness.
1. Sucker-punch your boss. (He was my friend but I punched him in the face anyway one day. Drunk.)
2. Become a member of the Mile High Club (three times)
5. Drink an entire keg of Guinness by yourself (no time limit). (Can I get a half point for splitting a keg of Guinness with my roommate?...took a while...)
12. Survive a bar fight.
13. Watch two women bring each other to fake orgasm in person.
22. Wake up In a Frickin' Gutter (Eh, it was under a bush near a curb in Blacksburg but close enough right?)
24. Spend a night in jail for a semicool reason and talk shit about the screws.
39. Hurt yourself badly while working around the house.
55. Stand outside a bar pretending to be a bouncer and collect a "cover charge" from clueless tourists. (Sharkey's in Blacksburg. Wasted. Checked ID's but got no money.)
56. Drop by an ex-girlfriend's for a booty call even though it'll cause a serious headache. (This one's a gimme.)
61. Get drunk and cut someone's hair. (Over ten times...I used to cut hair in the dorms for beer..)
65. Play a hurtful, unfunny practical joke on an office rival, where apologizing for an earlier unfunny practical joke is part of the gag. (Unfunny to who? Me: "Dude, Lance, I was just playin, I didn't think that she (our boss) would READ that e-mail! I made up for it though, I got you a date with this HOTTIE chick tonight, we're meeting at happy hour." ("She" used to be a he.)
74. Have sex in complete silence, with your in-laws in the next room. (Not married but her parents...)
76. Teach a monkey martial arts and then kick its ass. (BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Obviously didn't do this one but I had to put it down for comedic value.)
82. Secretly Date Two Women Who Know Each Other (It worked for one week. Bad idea.)
85. Go to a strip bar with your girlfriend and get her a table dance. (I miss her.)
99. Karate-chop a board in half with your bare hand. (Drunk.)
That's weird...it's not supposed to say Hot Terrapin Tables IE...it's supposed to say h o t t i e...you get the point.
Posted by: Tom at September 25, 2003 11:56 AMYeah, sorry about that. I put in some random things on this site when I set it up. Two T's would automatically get turned into "Terrapin Tables" (I figured people would be too lazy to type it all out). I'll turn that off.
Posted by: Rick at September 25, 2003 02:09 PM